How I overcame my fear.
There is a moment in your life where you might face the difficult decision that your marriage needs boundaries. Boundaries with your spouse become a necessity. This idea was never a thought for me until my husband sat across from me and said he had been “relapsing.” In the weeks that followed, I realized his porn use produced abusive behaviors over the years. He had to mistreat me to keep his secret, and I let him. Once, I remember someone spreading some mistruth about us. She was saying he mistreated me. He was oppressive and controlling. While that description was not entirely accurate for us, what stands out to me the most was how I defended him and our marriage, but at the time, I still had a blind spot on the truth. Then on that disclosure day, my husband’s confession shined a light on the part of our marriage that I was having trouble seeing, and I knew I needed to set boundaries. At first, they were punitive, but as I worked with my therapist, I created healthy boundaries meant to keep me safe and help me start to heal. They were about me and not about him.
Unfortunately, the potential risk of healthy boundaries could mean the end of the relationship. It wasn’t long before I started to see the marriage ending. I still had heaps of hope, but in my soul, I knew my boundaries were the beginning of the end for his desire to be my husband anymore. That was when fear set in for me. My days were full of thoughts about months or the years ahead of me. What if he never got better? What if he deceived me again, and nothing changed? What if he didn't work to repair the damage to our marriage, and he moved on to someone else?
I had many what-ifs.
As I sat across from my therapist and went on and on about these concerns, he stopped me. I don’t know exactly how he said it, but he told me to only look ahead to tomorrow. Being futuristic is a strength of mine, and when I’m not fearful or stressed, I put that strength to good use. While under duress, it becomes a crutch. I had to stop and focus all my power on putting up a wall against the future. I would put my attention on the day-to-day.
I had to let go of one main fear that had me in a firm grip to do this. I was scared that no man would ever love me, including my husband. I spent sixteen years with this man in a constant battle for his heart. It’s all I knew of marriage. I was grieving a future I didn’t think I was worthy of having. I didn’t realize I was worthy of a husband who loved me and was my protector and provider. My fears caused me to fixate on this idea.
Being alone was devastating and held me captive for several months. Have you heard of the saying, “do it afraid”? It means that you do the thing that scares you rather than remain frozen in fear. Do it, afraid. And so I did. I started to take some scary steps one at a time.
I set boundaries and initiated a therapeutic separation.
I stopped my safety-seeking behaviors.
I gave him clear expectations and a timeline.
I asked him to move out when he got worse.
I learned to use my voice.
I retained an attorney.
I filed for divorce.
Then I told him.
I was scared. I didn’t operate in that fear because I focused on one day at a time. I will share how I did that with you because saying to do something is not how you do it. It takes little acts to create new habits, and your new way of thinking makes your behavior shift.
As a side note, I’m processing something I hadn’t thought of until now as I'm writing this. My efforts to shift my behaviors might have been why my husband didn’t move toward me again. When I became more authentic, there was no more room for his betrayal to continue. For his betrayal to stop, he had to get genuine in his efforts to heal his heart towards me. That meant forgiving me for being hurt by his unfaithfulness. Towards the end, he revealed that he didn’t intend to do the recovery work necessary for reconciliation. I knew I couldn’t go back to how it was.
Each day I committed to healthy daily habits. One of them was how I prayed and petitioned my needs to the Father. The top of my journal page started with a gratitude list. Everything that I experienced that day that I had gratitude for went on that list. From things about my kids to even my husband’s continued deception. The list wasn’t long at first, but as the days, weeks, and months went on, this habit got stronger and filling a page with my gratitude became a daily worship practice.
Then I would ask Father to fill an immediate need, big or small. As I saw these needs get taken care of each day, I built my faith up for the big things. I was afraid of how I would manage the house, four kids, and a new job plus my wellness business, but I knew God had me—asking God to help me in these ways because another part of me overcame rejection and abandonment. For once, I genuinely believe that I was firmly tucked under His wing as I went about my daily life.
I took it one day at a time. At the end of each day, I regrouped. How did God provide a way today? What do I need him to provide a way for tomorrow?
I journaled this daily. I got on my face before the One who could set my ship on the right course. As time went on, my faith grew. My fear lessened. When I was short on money at the end of the month, someone would send me an unexpected gift. If I were struggling badly with feeling alone, I would get a phone call from a friend who said God put me in their mind. As these things happened, I felt stronger.
I also wrote down my fears and feelings when I thought of them. Then I focused on the one step in front of me rather than ten steps ahead. I looked at my fear like a problem that needed to be solved. When my husband moved out of our home, I remember being afraid of what I would do without his income. I had some income, but it wasn't enough. I needed a job, and I put all my energy into positioning my skills and talents in my first job outside of the home in years. I prayed that I would find a job to launch me back into the workforce. The first job I interviewed for, I got and still have. My new job was probably the most significant provision because God showed me what He could do for me. The anxiety I felt about how I would provide for my kids sat heavily on my mind all the time, but I also knew I could not let that stop me from making the right choices for my kids and me. After that, it was one thing at a time. It wasn't easy. I spent time on each problem that drove my fear. I talked them over with trusted friends, who helped me brainstorm solutions. I went away and looked into each of them. I stayed up late working on each of them while trusting that my efforts would pay off. I was experiencing blessing and favor for the first time in my life. I did not let fear hold me frozen. I dug deep into my faith and found how I could fill my lamp with oil.
Sometimes I had to be still and know that things would work out how God moved them. I gave the fear to God. I asked Him to come into the space it filled and shine a light. We all have different responses to fear: fight, flight, or freeze. I decided I would fight for myself, my kids, and my future. Through prayer, daily habits, and slowing myself down to wait on God to do what God does best. Move mountains.