Closing the door

I was standing on the threshold of my past life. The door was almost closed, but I was still looking through the crack. The thought of looking away and closing that door was devastating to me. For months I stood there like a mother standing outside her child's room. I was motionless for two months, trying to move on, but I just couldn't. I was trapped in confusion between wanting my past and a strong desire for a different story for my future. I knew God wasn't going to show me the next step until I closed that door. I felt Him patiently waiting for me to do so. It had to happen in my time. I begged for Him to do it for me, but I needed to use what strength I had left to move on from all that. I wanted the redemption story I expected, but God had other plans. Knowing it is still a story of redemption.

I didn't take my separation from my husband lightly, and while I held on to hope the entire time, I also knew God didn't want me to hold still for long. I took every step slowly and thoughtfully. I prayed over them and tested them out before moving forward. I am grateful He showed me the path of least resistance because what I was doing wasn't going to feel good. I needed God to protect me from doubts and lift the gates as I passed through. He was faithful to that prayer and still is. I moved slow, and I moved steadily. I felt like my soul was weighted down with bricks but I had peace through it all. Something like this should feel heavy. When I brought it up with a counselor, he said, "If you didn't feel these things, then something would be wrong with you." I knew He was right but feeling these things was painful.

After some time, standing at that door, I realized something was truly stopping me, and it was myself. While I mainly had given control to God over this season of my life, the one thing I didn't do was hand Him this. I didn't know what my block was, but I knew it was there. I am so grateful to my support team. In one week, I met with my therapist, who again validated my boundaries and, with confidence, told me that it was time to move on. My pastoral counselor helped me find the lies holding me back and prayed with me so my heart would let go. Peace was starting to sit comfortably with me. The following week was Hanukkah which was a time of re-dedication. I asked God to take hold of my heart during this time. I still sit here in awe at how He did just that. He tucked me up under His wing filled my heart with the truth. That I would be ok and He was going to use all this for His purpose.

I felt refreshed and confident. I was excited about my next steps.

I quietly closed that door.

I knew all along that the next door wouldn't open until I did. I was holding myself back from a blessing and a purpose that was meant for me.