Finding My Voice
It's now nine months since I learned my husband never stopped using porn and now two months since he has moved out of our home. My kids are with him this weekend, which is really the only bonus of all this because it gives me a chance to really deal with what I am feeling and not worry about how they might be affected.
So today, on this Saturday afternoon, I am sitting on my sofa and listening to songs that speak of love. It hits me; I don't know what it feels like having someone love me like that. I have never been fought for or held when I am truly hurting. What I do know is competition, comparison, and judgment. I still don't fully know how that has shaped me. I recently noticed that I crave validation, and I am dying to tell my story.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that I was trying to give birth to a baby, and the baby wouldn't come. I was desperate to have this baby but also dreaded it tremendously. I told my therapist, and his insight was very different than what I expected, but I believe he hit the nail on the head. I am dying to get something out of me but also dreading it at the same time. Over the years, I have been taught my feelings aren't safe to share. When I share them, they are either held against me, or even worse, the deception continues. Through this, I have walked a life of not feeling accepted and have never known validation for my pain. There is a reason I feel this way, but I was never afforded enough honesty to know that what I feel is accurate. Instead, I was made to feel like I was the one who needed healing and self-development.
Over the past few months, I have held a lot in. I have tried to hold boundaries that not only keep me safe but also prevent further wounding. I gave my power to God, and I believe He has asked me to be quiet for a season. As silly as it sounds, a series of dreams have brought me to a place of knowing my silence is about to end.
The other thing I have protected myself from is accusations of control. I will have to talk more about this some other time. I refuse to be blamed for where he is right now and being quiet takes that power away from him as well.
This withholding puts me in a place of not being heard, though. Now don't get me wrong, but I have a great support system. I have ladies with whom I can share my heart with both the good and the ugly. I don't withhold from them because they hold space for me and give me wise counsel. I need to be heard by the one who has hurt me, though. I don't know what to say that won't make me seem like a lunatic. I still don't know if he needs to see me like that.
Just recently, I felt bold enough to write him a letter. I sealed it in an envelope and left it on my desk to sit on it all day. He was at the house with the kids that evening so I could attend my support group. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to have it, and during the day, when I thought about it, my stomach would turn just slightly at the thought of him reading those handwritten words. I just let it all out, but it was really just the tip of the iceberg. I let him know it was there and asked him not to read it until he got home. He hasn't responded, and that is fine. I didn't write it for a response.
This was a step for me. A big step. Slowly I will find my voice. It doesn't all happen at once. What I have learned is that no one takes your voice from you. You choose that. Getting it back is also your choice. So if you have read this far, how can you use your voice today? Maybe just one small way you can communicate how you feel is all it takes. It doesn't have to be perfect because it won't be. It just needs to be real and authentic.