Finding My Voice After Betrayal
It’s been nine months since I uncovered the truth that shattered my world, and two months since my husband moved out. With my kids away for the weekend, I’m finally sitting with the quiet, letting myself feel everything I’ve been holding back.
Today, on this Saturday afternoon, I am sitting on my sofa, listening to songs that speak of love. It hits me; I don't know what it feels like to have someone love me like that. I have never been fought for or held when I am truly hurting. What I do know is competition, comparison, and judgment. I still don't fully know how that has shaped me. I recently realized that I crave to be seen, and I'm eager to share my story.
A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream that I was trying to give birth to a baby, and the baby wouldn't come. I was desperate to have this baby, but also dreaded it tremendously. I told my therapist, and his insight was very different than what I expected, but I believe he hit the nail on the head. I am dying to get something out of me, but I am also dreading it at the same time. Over the years, I have been taught that my feelings aren't safe to share. When I share them, they are either held against me, or even worse, the deception continues. Through this, I have walked a life of not feeling accepted and have never known understanding for my pain. There is a reason I feel this way, but I was never afforded enough honesty to know that what I feel is accurate. Instead, I was made to feel like I was the one who needed healing and self-development.
Over the past few months, I have held a lot in. I have tried to hold boundaries that not only keep me safe but also prevent further wounding. I have given my power to God, and I believe He has asked me to be quiet for a time. As silly as it sounds, a series of dreams has brought me to a place of knowing my silence is about to end.
The other thing I have protected myself from is accusations of control. I will have to discuss this further at another time. I refuse to be blamed for where he is right now, and being quiet takes that power away from him as well.
This withholding puts me in a position where I am not being heard, though. Now, don't get me wrong, but I have a great support system. I have ladies with whom I can share my heart, both the good and the ugly. I don't withhold from them because they hold space for me and give me wise counsel. I need to be heard by the one who has hurt me, though. I don't know what to say that won't make me seem like a lunatic. I still don't know if he needs to see me like that.
Recently, I felt bold enough to try writing a letter to my ex, not to seek closure, but to release what had been stuck inside for too long. I sealed it in an envelope and left it on my desk to sit on it all day. He was at the house with the kids that evening so that I could attend my support group. I wasn't sure if I wanted him to have it, and during the day, when I thought about it, my stomach would turn just slightly at the thought of him reading those handwritten words. I just let it all out, but it was really just the tip of the iceberg. I let him know it was there and asked him not to read it until he got home. He hasn't responded, and that is fine. I didn't write it for a response.
This was a step for me. A big step. Slowly, I will find my voice after years of silence. It doesn't all happen at once. What I have learned is that no one can take your voice away from you. You choose that. Getting it back is also your choice. If you’ve ever wondered how to reclaim your voice after betrayal, it starts with one honest expression at a time. So, if you have read this far, how can you use your voice today? Maybe just one small way you can communicate how you feel is all it takes. It doesn't have to be perfect because it won't be. It just needs to be real and authentic.
This is part of my spiritual healing process after divorce, where I choose to speak the truth, even when no one acknowledges it, and trust that God hears me.