I am the lost sheep.
Part of my self-care routine is listening to praise music on the way to work. It is the only time of day that God has my undivided attention. So he speaks to me through this time of worship. It isn't unusual for me to find it difficult to sing through the tears that come when I realize how much God loves and cares for me.
God has been so good to me over the years, but I will admit there have been times when I don't feel like I matter. My prayers felt unanswered, or even when I did pray, I didn't feel that connection where belief and faith are built.
For 17 years, I prayed for God to change my husband. To bend his heart towards me, so I felt the love from the man I married. God never answered this prayer. I know the man has free will and can make the ultimate decision to bend their heart in the direction that they want. God can't control whether someone chooses self or selflessness. But it still hurts, and it's a hard pill to swallow. It's crazy how we read the bible and know that we are very valuable to God, but an earthy relationship can cause us to agree with the enemy's lies. I have been fighting those lies for a very long time. So part of my prayer for God to change my husband, I would always add the "P.S. If not his heart, then change mine." At the time, I didn't know what God's plan was for the heartache I have endured. Recently on the drive to work, I was listening to a song I had heard 100 times before, but this time, God changed my perspective because my heart was open, and I was ready to be changed.
The song "Reckless Love" is about the nature of the way God loves us. The singer, Cory Asbury, shares a message that landed on me in a powerful way. All these years, my focus has been on someone else. Pleading the case before the Father while my own walk was drifting farther away from the flock. It reminds me of walking on the beach and getting mesmerized by the waves going in and out while also looking for shells in the sand. After a while, you look back and realize you are in a place you don't recognize anymore. This is where I was. I was lost, and in a place, I didn't know. I couldn't see where I had come from.
In the book of Luke, the Messiah tells this parable to explain how much God cares for the lost sheep that He will leave the flock to find those who have wandered away. My prayers were unanswered because God knew I needed to wander away. I needed to lose my way. But like a lost sheep, I didn't know I was lost. I wasn't focused on where I was. I was focused on things that weren't mine to focus on. God didn't change my husband because He needed to change me. I give a little internal chuckle as I write that because we expect how it should look when we ask something from God. I never thought this would look like this.
God is going to get your attention one way or another. He knows what you need to get it.
Just a week before this, I was sitting across from my therapist talking about how my husband’s lack of follow-through was him releasing me from the marriage. Through his in-action, he was telling me he was not working towards restoration. I still didn’t feel right about moving forward on divorce. I was waiting on God to say it was ok. To release me in His timing and in His way. The message of the lost sheep was His way…me realizing that sometimes marriages fail because that was the plan all along. I trusted God to manage the details from that point forward, and over the next couple of days, He did. Things started to fall into place for me to move on with very little resistance. I prayed about each detail, and every day, God took care of it. It was confirmation, and I was so grateful for His care during this time. Through this process, I learned that I do matter, and I am breaking away from the bondage of the lie that I don’t.