I filed for divorce…
I filed for divorce today. I think I’m still in shock as I sit here processing it. On the one hand, I feel empowered because I held my boundaries. On the other hand, it feels like the most terrible thing. Mostly it’s just surreal. My whole life is flashing before my eyes. My wedding, the babies, the homes, the deception that swallows it all up. I can’t find the truth in any of it. Everything is so full of heartbreak. I know God led me to this decision, and I was confident in that, but these feelings just felt like a contradiction.
I really didn’t think it would end up like this. When I set healthy boundaries a year prior, I believed God would hold my marriage together, and healing would begin. Why wouldn’t that happen? As the months wore on and I was healing and discovering my self-worth. I stepped onto a tight rope held together by complete trust in God to have my back. Sometimes I look back and wonder if I should have done something different, but that would take away from the step of faith that was required for me to find myself through the eyes of the Creator. The one who planned my being into existence and knew I would be in this very moment long before I was knitted in my mother’s womb.
I use to feel like all this was a waste. I had regrets about things, but then it hit me I had to serve what felt like a life sentence for God to use me in the way he plans to. I had to experience every little detail for moments that haven’t even happened yet.
I had to hold on to what I knew. I know God has a plan for my kids and me. I asked Him to walk me through the path of least resistance so I could save my strength for the ebb and flow of healing. For the most part, I am doing quite well. Then I have these moments where I’m not, and that is ok. It would be strange if I didn't feel this way. I feel this way because I care. I can walk away knowing I fought hard for my marriage, but I can't be the only one fighting. So now I fight for myself and my four amazing children that were absolutely worth all of this.