I told him I filed for divorce.
It just happened this evening. I think I am still feeling numb but also relieved. I hate keeping things from people and even though I filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago, I waited to tell him until tonight.
He was bringing the kids home from his weekend with them; I asked if he could hang back so I could talk to him. I was so sick knowing what I was about to inform him of.
I sat him down explaining that I needed to give him context before we met with our therapist to discuss parenting later in the week. Then I just said it. "I filed for divorce."
He was quiet and I watched as he took it in. I had no idea how he would respond. Eventually, he told me he had been thinking about it as well.
Rejection just washed over me.
Who was this man? How could he be so willing to walk away from me and his family like this?
I wanted him to fight for me. To tell me he didn’t want to lose me. He didn’t do that.
Filing for divorce wasn’t a power play. It was a Hail Mary. It was an opportunity for him and me to admit we didn’t want this and together change the course. Now that I say that, I realize I was living in a different world than he was. My hope wasn’t matching the circumstances.
I started to really question everything. Was I doing the right thing? Why would I feel so crappy when just two weeks ago I knew without a doubt this was where God led me. Then the dark pit of grief washed over me. I was home alone, and the pain came rushing out of me in loud sobbing and crying out to God to fix this. To undo it all and restore my marriage. I laid in bed, unable to move. Shaking from the despair that all of this was unfair.
“Why???!!!”
I cried out to God, asking Him to heal my marriage. I was begging for Him to give me comfort at that moment, but it never came.
That’s the part about grief I hate. There is no reprieve when you are in the thick of it. You have to feel it. My therapist keeps reminding me, and his words rang loudly in my ears.
“Just sit with what your feeling.”
So I sat up. Back straight and legs crossed. I hugged myself and focused on what I was feeling. I checked in with myself.
I felt abandoned. It was a legit feeling, though, and that’s why it felt so terrible. I couldn’t chase it away. I was abandoned....by man. That’s when it hit me.
God never promised me the marriage I envisioned. God promised not to forsake me. It’s very normal to feel alone. We see David write many Psalms pleading for God to show up by his side. I felt David’s words in my soul that day. I felt like I was in that wilderness with him.
After some time, I realized victim mentality reared its ugly head. I noticed myself repeating, “why me?” over and over. After a few moments, I found myself thinking, “why not me?”
That was such a rough day that led to a very rough week. I had a total break down seeing his Facebook relationship status change. I felt so silly for being upset about this. Seeing my whole marriage disappear from a place it had been for so many years was hard. Surreal doesn’t begin to explain what this is like. I’m in the clouds floating to a place I don’t want to go, but there is nothing to grab ahold of so I can bring myself back to the ground.
All I can do is pray.
All I can do is let go and let God tuck me back under His wing. Allowing those tears to flow and water seeds of self-discovery that had been dormant for so long. I longed to see myself the way God saw me. This was the beginning of that growth.