The Year of Unraveling
Well, here we are at the end of the year.
What a year it has been, and I am sitting here in my living room under a blanket filled with so much gratitude for everything.
The year started with me trying to find normal as a single mom with four kids and navigating a new job outside of the home. I really struggled with resentment of leaving my kids each day. Especially my last baby. I missed out on getting to be his full-time mommy each day. I had plans of playdates and park days while his older siblings were in school. Then summer being full of pool days and mini-adventures to see friends in other states.
Not only did I land a job working in a start-up wellness business, but I was asked to step up into a leadership role supporting the owner and the staff as an administrator. Each day is a challenge, and this was exactly what I needed to re-discover my self-worth, talents, and passion for serving others.
The one magical day, a virus changed the reality of the world we all lived in. My kids came home for spring break and never went back. I still feel like it didn't happen. I remember thinking there was no way I could go through anything more, and fortunately, God agreed. My kids and I had already been through so much, and everything I knew about kids going through a big shift in a family dynamic like this faired better when there was consistency. We had that, and then suddenly we didn't...or rather we had to rebuild a new routine. Working as much as I was and trying to understand schooling from home was so HARD. It was not like homeschooling at all, and every day, I considered going back to homeschooling.
Then came summer and realization of the end to my marriage, which made all the pressure from the year compound because I realized this was my life now—a life of spinning plates. Months went by where I had no time to really decompress and allow myself to really feel the things I needed to feel.
At the end of summer, I tried to decide what would be best for my kids and their school. I knew I could not go back to virtual school, and even though their school was going back to the classroom, I had no guarantee that wouldn't change. I started to consider alternatives leaving homeschooling as a last resort. How on earth would I homeschool while maintaining my home and work schedule? A dear friend then planted an idea in my head that ultimately led us to a private Christian school. I trusted God to work out the details of financial aid, and He did. They started a week later. Small classrooms, caring teachers aware of their home life, and a routine...finally.
We slowly started to sink into a new normal as I continued to posture my heart in the direction of healing. I struggled as a mom the most during this time because I knew what was coming for them. I didn't tell them about the divorce yet because, at this time, I was still holding on to hope that a miracle would occur. I prayed for this still while trusting God's plan for my kids and me.
The biblical Fall Feast season was a total blur, and I felt like I wasn't showing up for God or my kids in the way I was supposed to during that time. I had moments where God would reveal the same thing to me, in the same way, each time. I would feel connected to His direction for my life in one moment....then not long after, I felt disconnected. It was the most frustrating thing I had experienced all year. This was a new stress level, and I started to see the side effects of constant stress through weight loss. I didn't think it was possible to drop that much weight so quickly.
There is only so long that you can walk in chaos, and I started to see things spiral into something I didn't like. Every day I just did what I could do to make it through. I just wanted to be there for my kids and help them have confidence that they were loved and provided. God was so good to us.
As the months passed by, I started to gain my strength, and each day God showed up for me in various ways so I wouldn't miss Him in the details. I was rediscovering who I was and that I am capable of hard things. I was starting to believe that God really did care for me. I thought I didn't matter for years, but it took an unraveling for me to know that I do.
As I approached the Hanukkah season, I wanted to set my old self down on the altar and allow God to change me into what He needed me to be. I prepared myself for re-dedication. I took some time in the week leading up to Hanukkah to work with both my therapist and pastoral counselor to help prepare my heart for a shift. It was time to look ahead now and move towards why I had to go through all this. The kids and I joined a congregation in hopes of lighting a spark that has long been snuffed out of all of us. God cleared the way for us to make a trip out to Tennessee to visit Jacob's Tent Fellowship. We had an amazing time of friends, worship, and messages that lit a fire in my soul that is my fuel to move forward. I was buoyed at the sight of all my kids praising God alongside me.
Now, as I sit and reflect on what felt like a year that would never end, I am at peace with all that I have gone through. I am moving in the direction of healing and forgiveness. I will allow God to use this experience to fill my mouth with a message of hope and healing to others. My experience is far from over, and I promise to be authentic each day with those put in my path right now. Later will take care of itself. It always does.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for prosperity and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and come pray to Me, and I will listen to you. And you will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.'