The Ebb and Flow of Healing

Journal entry from December 2020

We are just a few weeks from divorce, and I have a sudden longing for him, but I reach out, and he doesn't reach back. The pain of letting go of someone is heart-wrenching. I sit in pain and feel I may not survive it. I can’t seem to let go of hope. I’ve asked God to take hope from me, but I never get relief. Instead, I get hot tears soaking my face. I find myself asking God, “Why doesn’t he love me?” Then I sit in silence, trying to push away the lies that I am not worthy of love. I long for the marriage I prayed for when I was young. I prayed for the husband that I hoped God would bring me someday. Is this what He had in mind? As I sit in silence, I discover more lies rattling around my mind. A big one that is hard to see fully. I can’t see it well enough to form words to say it aloud. I try to focus on it and bring it to the surface, but it moves back into the shadows again as it started to take shape.

I hate the ebb and flow of grief I go through.

To be married to someone for so long that doesn’t want you anymore is so freaking hard.

They say time heals all wounds, and as cliche as that sounds, it is true, but that doesn't mean you never have reminders of the wounds. At only two months post-divorce, the wounds are still very tender for me. I can go a few weeks now in a growth phase, feeling myself getting stronger. Then in a sudden snap, I can be back to a low place where I feel the pain again as if it all just happened.

The was my past few days. I was triggered, and I am not going into details because it was dumb, really. It caused me to tell myself a story that was probably not true. I was working to move past it. Then the very next day, another trigger occurred, but this one was bigger. All my feelings about my ex-husband got really confusing, and I felt myself stepping onto that crazy train of self-doubt again. I continued to spiral through the day until I decided to do something hard. I got uncomfortable, and I had a face-to-face discussion with him to allow myself to be transparent about a conversation I had with another person to share my story. I felt the need to tell him this because I knew they would ask him to do the same.

That conversation didn't serve us, but it did serve me. It allowed the self-doubt to melt away into confidence for the decisions I made over the past year. It was exactly what I needed because these triggers caused me to question my experience. I valued and had gratitude for an experience even though it did ruin part of me that I am still building back up. I needed this to pull me off the crazy train and back on the solid foundation of my faith.

The ebb and flow of moving past trauma is an essential part of growth. Without the flow, we wouldn't believe in our ability to overcome and thrive. Without the moments of Ebb, we wouldn't learn to process our pain and feel the things we need to feel. If flowing is all you know...are you really flowing, or are you stuffing it away? I am guilty of that. I did that for years, and it didn't serve me at all. Now I ride with the ebb and flow. I learn from it, and I grow from it.

I am still living in this place, and as time passes, it does get easier. The flow is longer, and the ebb is shorter now. I don't stay in confusion for long, and God always finds a way to show me clarity. I am so grateful for that, and I oftentimes find myself praying for that. When I sink into this place, I have found it to be quite helpful for me.

Prayer:

I get serious about this. God hears me, and I believe that. Sometimes it feels like He doesn't because I do not hear myself. This is a chance to get raw. He knows what I am going through. This time of prayer doesn't always mean I am talking. Sometimes I am listening and feeling. All emotions are healthy emotions when you do it in the presence of a Father that loves you unconditionally.

Support:

The first thing I did was reach out to my two most trusted support friends. My best friend and pseudo mom is such a gentle comfort for me. Then my support group leader is there to amp me up a bit so I can find the feelings, and she helps me identify them so I can process them out. She also does such a great job at validating me. Then she pushes me forward.

Gratitude:

I might be on the crazy train, but I can take a deep breath and find gratitude amongst the chaos. At the time, while it was so hard to share my story with a new person, I was thankful for the opportunity to be heard. When done in a healthy way, the vulnerability can help you heal. Gratitude also changes my heart posture to look for the good in these experiences, which protects me from feeling like a victim.

When I do these things, I can ground myself a lot faster, and I become more resilient over time as I practice it. A year ago, I never thought I would be in this place, and it felt so surreal as it was happening. I have noticed that it is feeling less surreal and more real as the days go by. This helps me to make sense of something that makes no sense. God has a plan, and He has me right where He needs me to be. Even if some days He gives me a few moments on the crazy train. If I can't learn to find Him when I am on that ride, I will learn not to seek Him out when I feel well.

Thank you, Father, for always showing me where I still need to grow.