The Last Step: Part Two

Waiting for the judge to sign...

After signing my papers for my divorce, I felt so heavy. I went through the evening and kept myself busy, but I was processing for sure. I worked hard to stay present with my kids and my tasks, but I felt very foggy. I couldn’t concentrate.

The next day I noticed I felt more present. I was very aware of my surroundings. I felt connected to myself and the world around me. I didn’t realize how much the waiting was causing me to disconnect. I went through the motions of my life. It reminds me of someone who is color blind and tries those color glasses on for the first time. They didn’t know what vibrant color was like.

I was about to make dinner, and my kids were all around waiting to help. I opened my email real quick, and there it was. The judge had signed off on the divorce agreement. It felt so jarring. I felt like a rock was tossed into my soul. I messaged a friend who asked how I was, but all I noticed about myself is that I was suddenly sweating. My stomach was in knots, and I felt like I was going to be sick. I didn’t have time to process this at the time. My kids needed me to hang on. So I tucked my feelings away until later.

I fully expected to have a complete break down after the kids went to bed. I tried to cry for the three days after. I felt release where I thought I would feel despair, and I felt gratitude where I thought I would feel rejection. I spent those few days feeling more fulfilled in everything I was doing. Motivation to accomplish put wind in my sails. I was excited again to do great things, and for the first time, I believed I would.

Now I don’t always feel that way. I have moments of missing him for various reasons, or something will trigger me, and the gentle waves of grief wash over my soul. I embrace it and remind myself to have a heart of gratitude. This is just the beginning, and I’m no longer standing still.