Personal Statement
I sat with the idea for quite a while about whether I wanted to give this update to all of you. I do want to take a moment to share my heart in a very public way about how things ended with my former husband and me. These past two years, he has shared a few updates, and so now it is my turn. I was encouraged by friends who have been in my inner circle to share this.
As most know who followed my former husband’s ministry and our story of betrayal and porn addiction, you are probably aware that our marriage didn't survive his addiction. This was an ongoing battle that goes back almost eighteen years. During the last eight years of our marriage, I was sure that he had found his own deliverance from porn use, but two years ago, he finally revealed that he was never able to overcome it. During this time, he was active in ministry and counseling others while living in sin. During our separation, intended to help us heal and restore our marriage, more was revealed. His behaviors towards me worsened to the point where he decided he didn't want reconciliation anymore. This was heartbreaking for me, but I knew fighting for a man that didn't want me was holding back my own healing. I decided to pursue a divorce, and that was final in January. Towards the end, he admitted that he didn't take his recovery seriously, and while he said he was truly sorry, he still didn’t want reconciliation and gave me a biblical divorce letter in October 2020.
I did everything I could, and towards the end, some new information came to light that unfortunately made me realize that this was no longer just a sex addiction. If it had been only that, I hold the belief that we would have found redemption. When you partner sex addiction with a mental illness, your chances of recovery decrease quite a bit, I had to hold my boundary that I could not be married to someone who was not recovering. While he maintains that his PTSD destroyed our marriage, I must stand up in truth to say that PTSD was not the problem. Unfortunately, there were bigger issues that I am not at liberty to share at this time. What's important to know is that I did battle for my husband in prayer and tried to advocate for him to get the help he needed. He refused my efforts and chose a different path that I could not walk with him. It always grieves me when ministry leaders walk away from their marriages and I never thought it would happen to me. I didn’t want divorce to be part of my story but I also knew I couldn’t continue in a marriage where deception was the main theme. I took a step of faith not knowing what the outcome would be.
Today I stand strong in my own betrayal trauma recovery and have sought support through high-level therapy, pastoral counseling, and a support group for betrayed women. My recovery started four years ago, and it will always be part of my life. Even though I would never wish this pain on anyone else, I am grateful that God can help other marriages overcome betrayal and sex addiction. I know God will help me move past the grief and into something even better.
For those who share their concerns about his choices, I am not the one to talk to. Take those concerns to him. As I self-reflect on the past two years, something fundamental was missing. Accountability from the body of Messiah. This is why I believe in community. So men can come around other men and hold them up when they are falling. My former husband didn't have this.
So what’s next for me? I will continue in my business as a wellness educator as that income has been provision for myself and my kids. Moving forward I’m pursuing training and certifications that will allow me to help partners of sex addicts in a bigger way. I ask for prayer that God will make a way for us to be part of a community we can grow in. My heart has always been for the ministry work we were doing and now I will continue it on my own.
In closing, I appreciate all the loving support I have received. God has allowed people in my life to help me stand strong in my self-worth and belief that God is bigger than all this. I see how He continues to show up for myself and my kids as we navigate this new terrain. May He continue to keep us tucked up under His wing.