The Last Step: Part One
Today was rough. I won't bore you with the details, but one huge thing did take place. I finally signed my divorce papers. I had been waiting for this for a month. When I got the email from the attorney's office, I felt so many things. I was excited, but also, my stomach was in knots. I left work to take care of it because I knew I would have a hard time focusing until that was done.
I had been frustrated that it was taking so long. Nothing about my divorce agreement was complicated. It wasn't being contested. I was waiting on the attorney to make time for it. I shared this frustration with my dear friend, who reminded me that God has His timing, and I need to trust that. She was right, so I had an opportunity to develop patience. God's timing was perfect indeed because something had to happen first before this step took place.
I want to take a moment to explain why waiting over time can ultimately cause regression of negative behaviors for some people. I experienced this a few times in my separation, and I was starting to experience it now. This time it was minimal, though, and only showing up internally rather than externally for the world to watch. I was starting to feel resentment come up for me again, and when I struggle for too long, I get lazy; I tend to abandon the daily habits that help me grow emotionally.
The other part of this was the process of grief. At this point, I have been processing grief for a year and a half. My chest is feeling constricted, and my back is tight from holding on to this strong emotion for so long. Grief also causes cognitive issues. I was definitely ready to start moving past all this. Unfortunately, it isn't something I can get rid of because I need to keep moving through it. While I have been feeling pretty good lately, I knew that I would need to allow grief to wash over me once I took this step. I am ready to move on, but I can't move on while stuffing this down. So now I feel it bubbling up in my body. I feel the tremble of emotion filling my throat and spilling into my eyes as tears want to flow over my cheeks. This is normal, and I hear myself say, "you will be ok."
Besides the complexity of grief, I am also feeling a profound surreal, "I can't believe this is happening" sensation. All of this feels like an out-of-body experience that I need to snap out of. It feels like ages since I lived with my husband, and we interacted as a married couple. I honestly don't remember what it was like. I have spent so many years fighting for someone that ultimately didn't want me to anymore. How do you stop something you did for so long? That is the part about letting go that is so hard. I felt responsible for my marriage's success, and it is hard not also to feel responsible for its failure. I know what I should have done differently. I reflect on that often. I shrug it out because I can't apply that to my past anymore. For now, all I can do is become better for God, myself, and my kids. Then wait on God’s timing to start moving forward again.