If I had awareness seven years ago when I sought healing from betrayal trauma, I would have asked God through prayer to walk me gently out of denial. You can’t heal what you don’t know. I was blind to it all, but they loved me where I was, and that was exactly what I needed to safely walk myself out of the dark and into the light.

I have my children by my side, and my faith will carry me forward. The darkest moments revealed so much that is inside. It’s hard, but it’s worth it if you press in and let God take you through to plant you in the soil you can grow.

He validated me. All these years, I never felt like he loved me. I was right. I realized the depth of betrayal went far beyond his pornography usage. I was looking for worth and value in a person who should not have had that power. It was time to change that pattern in my life.

I still had heaps of hope, but in my soul, I knew my boundaries were the beginning of the end for his desire to be my husband anymore. That was when fear set in for me.

My first discovery happened almost immediately after I was married. I was the typical Christian young woman who desired a man of God who would be her shelter and provider. Unfortunately, I never knew that life. God handed me something different. I only know a marriage of Betrayal.

I was standing on the threshold of my past life. The door was almost closed, but I was still looking through the crack. The thought of looking away and closing that door was devastating to me.

“Faith is an action that requires you to wait on God to reveal how to act.”

So it happened tonight...the first time in maybe a month. Which is a huge improvement for me, given I lived a life wrapped up in a trigger-fest whirlpool. Tonight as I sit here trying to ground myself again, I want to share five things I find helpful when triggered.

I hate the ebb and flow of grief I go through. To be married to someone for so long that doesn’t want you anymore is so freaking hard.

I was about to make dinner, and my kids were all around waiting to help. I opened my email real quick, and there it was. The judge had signed off on the divorce agreement. It felt so jarring.

Besides the complexity of grief, I am also feeling a profound surreal, "I can't believe this is happening" sensation. All of this feels like an out-of-body experience that I need to snap out of.

So let's talk routine and some common mistakes people make when they start one or start one over.

Now, as I sit and reflect on what felt like a year that would never end, I am at peace with all that I have gone through. I am moving in the direction of healing and forgiveness. I will allow God to use this experience to fill my mouth with a message of hope and healing to others. My experience is far from over, and I promise to be authentic each day with those put in my path.

Filing for divorce was an opportunity for him and me to admit we didn’t want this. I realize I was living in a different world than he was. My hope wasn’t matching the circumstances.

Life is never going to be what you want it to be, but instead, it is exactly what God wants it to be.

I really didn’t think it would end up like this. I think I’m still in shock as I sit here processing it. On the one hand, I feel empowered because I held my boundaries. On the other hand, it feels like the most terrible thing.

God is going to get your attention one way or another. He knows what you need in order to get it.

“Just like a tornado; it builds up, and when the atmosphere is just right, then it takes shape. It carves a path in the earth and doesn’t discriminate. Neither does betrayal trauma. It carves deep wounds that only take time to heal. The scars will always remain as a reminder of what happened. What you do with those scars matters most. Will you hold on to the trauma, or will you allow yourself to heal from it? Healing isn’t easy, and it does take time. Now I look back on that evening with a heavy sadness. No one ever knows when disaster will strike, and that’s the beauty of destruction. If you knew it was coming, you wouldn’t succumb to it in a way that you truly learn from it. Embrace it and grow from it. “

Slowly I will find my voice. It doesn't all happen at once. What I have learned is that no one takes your voice from you. You choose that. Getting it back is also your choice.